Today was one of those days. One of those really hard days. I had plans to go out with friends, see a movie, & grab lunch. But that didn’t happen. Sometimes sadness covers you like a warm blanket. It starts from the bottoms of your feet and each step becomes heavier until you can no longer move forward. It makes you cancel plans. It makes you wallow in a puddle until you raise a flag of surrender. It consumes you for every reason and for no reason at all.
I spent half of my time in the shower with my back pressed up against the warm tile floor. My head filled itself with many thoughts. Thoughts of resentment and bitterness. Thoughts of the past and the present. Thoughts that weighed me down more each time they boiled up.
I eventually pulled myself out of the shower. The water was cold by this time and every hair stood on end as the remaining droplets of water tried to escape off my skin. I propped Addison up on my legs and she smiled at me a bright big gummy smile. This should have comforted me, but it didn’t. My vision clouded and my heart felt heavy. She drifted asleep and I curled up against the sheets. I cried for what felt like hours. I cried for every reason and for no reason at all.
Chris came in with a cup of coffee. I swear he’s a mind reader.
“It will be okay…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Do you want me to go?”
“It will be okay…”
He held me for a long time. Each tear stung as it left my eyes. The sun’s rays rested on our faces as we shared the moment. A moment that was beautiful and saddening. One that you want to remember and want to forget. It was a moment where you literally have to force yourself to move forward from even though all you want to do is fade away.
We ended our day in what was left of the Florida sunshine. All six of us. The dogs chased lizards and sniffed the bushes. Chris skated up and down the driveway. Addison and I pressed our stomachs against the concrete giggling and smiling at each other.
When you pull yourself back into reality, the reality where you have people who love and depend on you. A reality that to someone, you’re the one and only. The pain fades. Your vision clears and you realize that in the end, love always wins. It always emerges from the darkness. It fills your heart for every reason and no reason at all.