It’s been about a year since you came into my life. A year ago, you were a tiny dot on an ultrasound photo and now here you are sitting in my lap watching me type.
I’m not lying when I say you are the most beautiful creature I have ever encountered. You are, in fact, like a rose. You’re so breathtaking and when I stare at you in the late hours of the night, you seem so delicate. You skin is fair and untainted by the sun’s harsh rays. Your eyes are the most perfect shade of sea blue. I want to notice every detail. I want to inhale in this moment slowly, like this is the last moment I am with you. I wonder if you’ll always sleep with your arms in the air or will always hang onto the hair behind your ears.
I’m looking down on you and you seem to have the daintiest eyelashes. They are long and curled up just slightly. You are the happiest baby alive. I love how you flash your big gummy smile at me when you first wake up. You are so beautiful. Even though most of the time I find you with boogers hanging out of your nose or a shirt that looks like you’ve been sitting in the splash zone at Sea World.
Oh and your hair! It’s so floofy! I swear it just sticks straight up 99.9% of the time. But it’s adorable. It’s so light and soft, like feathers. And I just love how it smells. It just has a faint scent of lavender baby soap and it lingers for days. I catch myself taking a big breath in whenever you’re in my arms.
I pray that as you grow older a little piece of this moment will always be woven into your very being. I pray that you will always be unexplainably happy and that the little things will always light you up. I pray you will always be as easygoing as you are now and now matter how many times you have to hop from one thing to the next, you will forever go with the flow. I hope that we always find time to talk. I hope you are always as chatty as you are this very moment. I truly want to hear every word.
I love you so much Addison Rose and these three months earthside have not been long enough, yet have flown by so quickly.
Don’t grow too fast.
Today was one of those days. One of those really hard days. I had plans to go out with friends, see a movie, & grab lunch. But that didn’t happen. Sometimes sadness covers you like a warm blanket. It starts from the bottoms of your feet and each step becomes heavier until you can no longer move forward. It makes you cancel plans. It makes you wallow in a puddle until you raise a flag of surrender. It consumes you for every reason and for no reason at all.
I spent half of my time in the shower with my back pressed up against the warm tile floor. My head filled itself with many thoughts. Thoughts of resentment and bitterness. Thoughts of the past and the present. Thoughts that weighed me down more each time they boiled up.
I eventually pulled myself out of the shower. The water was cold by this time and every hair stood on end as the remaining droplets of water tried to escape off my skin. I propped Addison up on my legs and she smiled at me a bright big gummy smile. This should have comforted me, but it didn’t. My vision clouded and my heart felt heavy. She drifted asleep and I curled up against the sheets. I cried for what felt like hours. I cried for every reason and for no reason at all.
Chris came in with a cup of coffee. I swear he’s a mind reader.
“It will be okay…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Do you want me to go?”
“It will be okay…”
He held me for a long time. Each tear stung as it left my eyes. The sun’s rays rested on our faces as we shared the moment. A moment that was beautiful and saddening. One that you want to remember and want to forget. It was a moment where you literally have to force yourself to move forward from even though all you want to do is fade away.
We ended our day in what was left of the Florida sunshine. All six of us. The dogs chased lizards and sniffed the bushes. Chris skated up and down the driveway. Addison and I pressed our stomachs against the concrete giggling and smiling at each other.
When you pull yourself back into reality, the reality where you have people who love and depend on you. A reality that to someone, you’re the one and only. The pain fades. Your vision clears and you realize that in the end, love always wins. It always emerges from the darkness. It fills your heart for every reason and no reason at all.