The Moment I Knew of You: 8 Month Reflections

Those Crazy Sorokas // 8 Month Pregnancy Update

Those Crazy Sorokas // 8 Month Pregnancy Update

The memory of the realization of your conception seems so faint in my mind. It’s like the morning sun peeking through the curtains, soft and hazy. Yet some aspects are as clear as crystal. When I think about you, I think of the first moment that I knew I was going to be a mother.

It was the night of October 29, 2014. It was cool out but still slightly warm. The stars were barely visible and the moon was just a tiny sliver, like someone had drawn a line in the sky. Standing on my tiptoes, in my pajamas, I kissed your dad goodbye as he headed out for a late night emergency call. I didn’t have the slightest indication I was pregnant but decided to go out and buy a pregnancy test, just because. I slipped into a dress, the striped body-con dress that I ended up wearing my entire pregnancy because it showed my growing belly perfectly and jumped into the car.

I stood in the pregnancy test aisle at Walgreens for what felt like ages. I didn’t realize that there were so many options. I continued to stare at the wall of pink. I never did really decide on which test to choose. In the end, I just grabbed a random box and headed home. When I got there, I pulled the little stick out and read the directions probably half a dozen times, trying not to miss a single word. I waited. And waited. And waited. I flipped the test over for the moment of truth. My eye caught the very bright pink line… not pregnant. I wrote the date on the back and shoved everything in the bottom of my drawer.

I changed back into my pajamas and sat on the+ bed. I plopped by head onto my pillow and looked up at the ceiling. My mind kept wandering to that test. Not pregnant. Really? Not pregnant? I dug through my drawer and pulled out the test again. This time, I didn’t let my eyes wander to the bright pink line. I looked over at the lighter side. An extremely faint line stained the strip. I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t nervous. My heartfelt still. It felt complete.

Now, here at 33 weeks, I hear the faint sound of your heart beating. The non-stress test in some ways soothes me. The constant pounding of your heart, quickening when you move, is a reminder of the sweet life within me. This time though, it’s different. The room is quieter this week. You’re not as active. I hold the buzzer in my hand, waiting on edge for any sort of movement from you to warrant my buzz. You move but not much. The nurse bounces in and grabs the paper from the machine. “Okay! How are you doing?” Her voice is peppy. “She’s not as active as last week.” I say. The nurse starts moving the monitor along my stomach. Your beat is still barely audible. “Hm.” Her bright smile turns into a frown and her forehead crinkles. “Is your stomach always this hard?”  She presses on my stomach without it giving in. Her questions start to allow fear to creep into my mind. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to go get the doctor.”

My fear heightens with that phrase. When the doctors lost your aunt’s heartbeat during labor, they told my mom the same thing. The doctor rushes in only a moment after the nurse leaves. “Okay Kaitlyn, let’s take a look at this test.” She studies the readings and moves the monitor along my belly. Your heartbeat suddenly becomes loud. “There we go. So we’re going to start the test over and see how you do. Sound good?” I nod. The doctor smiles and walks out of the room. My mind races. What probably is 20 minutes, feels like 3 hours. The doctor comes back into the room and looks at the trail of paper that’s been printed out. She nods and tears it off. “This looks much better. So we’ll see you next week!”

That’s it? No explanations or reasoning? I follow the doctor back to the nurse like a puppy following its owner. Confused and startled, yet trusting that the doctor would not send me home if we were in danger. I take my appointment card and walk out the door.

So this is motherhood.

I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where I won’t worry about you. It’s frightening knowing that I have no control over anything that happens. I won’t be able to always catch you when you fall or hold your hand. I won’t be able to dry every tear or keep you from making bad decisions. You will continue to grow beyond my control. Just like I saw that positive pregnancy test and then blinked, now I am 8 months along preparing to meet you face to face. I know that it will be the same as soon you leave the haven beneath my breast. I will close my eyes and kiss your newborn forehead and then pull away and see you holding your diploma in hand.

Miss Addison Rose, I love you so much. Please be kind to my heart. Grow slowly. Let me soak it in. Don’t do anything too crazy that will make me turn to your father with frightened eyes. I always pray for you, knowing God will take care of the pieces I drop. When it comes to you, it’s difficult for me to remember that God is not the supplement to care I give you, but rather it’s other way around.

I will love and take care of you the best I can. But I will make mistakes and I will fail. Keep in mind that I can’t see your future and don’t see the path ahead. I only put together the pieces God gives me and He doesn’t tell me what the puzzle’s end result will be. Know that only God knows the plans He has for you. He will be there to hold your hand in your times of trouble. He will never leave or forsake you and He will take care of your far better than the birds in the sky or the lilies in the field. Your future is secure in Him.

Only 7 more weeks, Addi! Grow, baby, grow!

your mom

The Circle Linkup: Spring 15 Moodboard

Spring 15 Moodboard - The Circle Linkup // Those Crazy Sorokas

It’s that time again! Time to linkup with Kiki from In Its Time for the Circle Linkup! The topic of this month, obvious by the title of this post, is a Spring moodboard. The only requirement was that it had to contain 15 things. You might remember a few weeks ago in my 04/20-04/26 Weekly Goals post, one of my goals was to decide on a moodboard topic. I finalized on dining room inspiration. I love being in my dining room. It’s where Chris and I eat and converse. We laugh there and have deep conversations. It the one place in the house that is perfect for fellowship and I always try to keep mine pretty.

So here are my choices for a Spring 2015 dining room!

The Circle Linkup // Spring 2015 Moodboard

1-5 // I love going to Pantone’s website and seeing all of the colors for the season. The colors they chose for this season were all so beautiful and it was hard for me to pick just five.  That being said, I finally decided on Glacier, Grey, Scuba Blue, Custard, Strawberry Ice, and Tangerine for my inspiration colors. These are actually some of my favorite colors in general. They’re bright & happy, which is perfect for spring & for the dining room table.

6 // Clara Pressed Blue Glass Pitcher from Pier1 @ $24.95: As soon as I saw this on Pier1’s website, I died. I love the clear blue glass and the designs on the side. This would look just beautiful on the dining room table serving water or lemonade.

7 // Pillow Perfect Lattice Damask Reversible Chair Pad in Orange from Target @ $52.99/2: I don’t know how your chairs for your table are, but mine are wooden and very hard unless I have a cushion. Cushions are the perfect way to dress up your table even when there’s nothing being served. The shade of orange is beautiful and the design is nice without being too busy. The price is a little steep, but it’s great for inspiration.

8 // Chloe Serving Bowl from Pier1 @ $24.95: If you’re like me, you enjoy mismatching plates, bowls, napkins, etc. I enjoy seeing all the patterns and colors. Chris hates it when everything is mismatched and claims it’s tacky (he’s also very ocd, so I don’t take that very personally). But it’s my style and I can’t help it. This is bowl is one of those pieces that I would love to own. Yellow makes me happy and the floral pattern is cute. Perfect for a spring salad.

9 // Set of 4 Suits Napkins from Crate + Barrel @ $39.95: I would never pay $40 for 4 napkins, but I thought these would be a nice neutral piece to add to the table. With the busyness from the dining & serve ware, this adds a certain touch that levels everything out. Yet, none of the napkins match which still fit in with my personal style.

10 // Bloom Napkin Ring in Pink from Pier1 @ $4.95: The pink is so sweet and I thought these wouldn’t look bad with the gray napkins. It’d look nice on a table without food or serve ware but is not super flashy (like some of the other options at Pier1).

11 // Galvanized Pitcher from Walmart @ $59.14: The price on this thing is ridiculous! I tried looking for something similar but for less online, but was at a loss. I personally, wouldn’t use this for water but as a vase. I actually have a pitcher similar to this that I got a few weeks ago at Target for $3. I got the same look but for a lot less. I love seeing my flowers on my table in the galvanized pitcher. I think it looks a bit for rustic and Spring-y instead of a regular silver vase/pitcher.

12 // Mudhut Marika Salad Plates from Target @ $12.99/4: I loved everything from this line. The colors and patterns are right up my alley and make me smile. With the gray napkins next to these…. swoon.

13 // Serrano Highball Glass from Crate + Barrel @ $7.95: Again, the blue glass. I can’t get away from it. It’s beautiful and is a simple way to dress up and dining room setting.

14 // Daisy Napkin from Crate + Barrel @ $4.95: These were just cute. I wouldn’t pair them with the napkin rings I showed but like with everything else on this list, it makes me happy and think of spring. I think these would be a nice conversation piece (cloth napkins in general seem to be conversational pieces) and would look great sitting out on the table and even cuter in pictures.

15 // Carnival Brights Melamine Salad Server Set from Pier1 @ $8.95: This was kind of a random addition. The pattern is fun and for some reason makes me think of Mexico, which makes me think of margaritas, which makes me think of parties, which makes me think of hosting a party, which makes me think of everything on this list (like that sneak peak into my mind? Scary, right?). I guess you could say it came full circle for me. Bottom line: these are just plain fun.

Whelp, that’s my Spring 15 Moodboard. I hope you all liked it! Comment down below with what has to be on your table this season and check out the other people who are linked up!

Those Crazy Sorokas - Kaitlyn Signature

Mother’s Day + A Rant

Mother's Day 2015 // Those Crazy Sorokas

So sorry I didn’t post my weekly goals this part Monday. I was coming off a Mother’s Day high and spent some much needed time with my family. If anyone’s interested, I’m continuing with my goals from last week.

Mother's Day 2015 // Those Crazy Sorokas

My first mother’s day. My Mother’s Day festivities actually started at 9:40 Saturday morning. My great grandma, grandma, mom, aunt, sister, and cousins all piled into my grandma’s minivan and headed off to Orlando. My mom and aunt planned a progressive lunch. We stopped at Red Lobster for our appetizers. I enjoyed shrimp cocktail, lobster pizza, stuffed mushrooms, and those crack-filled cheesy biscuits. Our next stop was P.F. Changs (my absolute favorite place ever!!). I’ve been craving sushi so bad recently that I knew that’s what I was going to look for on their menu. I played it safe and chose their California roll that’s topped with scallops and a creamy Sriracha sauce. It was to die for. For our final stop, we went out with a bang. We all gathered around the large circular table at The Cheesecake Factory to eat almost a days worth of calories in one sitting. I’m not kidding about that either. I had the Reece’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake and that clocked in at 1500 calories. I enjoyed every bite without the slightest bit of shame.

On Sunday ,Chris & I met up with his mom, step-dad, and brother for lunch at Sonny’s. I ate a huge order of onion rings and had three-ish plates of endless salad bar (this post is turning into a food diary, so I’ll end there). We chatted and laughed. We enjoyed much needed family time and planned our next time to see eachother.

Mother's Day 2015 // Those Crazy Sorokas

I went to work on Monday fat & happy and high on happiness. Thinking about myself as a mother, I often wonder if I’m ready. It’s funny because when Chris and I wanted to get married, I always told him, “you can’t ever be ready for something like this you just have to jump in!” I wondered why he was nervous and what he worried about. The change was normal and just to go for it. Now I know. I can see why Chris was nervous. Chris wanted the best life for me. He avoided marriage because he wanted to be prepared. He wanted to have lots of money in the bank so I wouldn’t have to be worried. He wanted a stable full-time job so that our bills would get paid on time. He wanted everything to be absolutely perfect for me and maybe was scared that he’d mess it up. Scared that if he didn’t have all his ducks in a row, he’d set us on the wrong foot and I would worry.

Now I’m that way, but for my baby (I can only imagine how he’s feeling). 9 more weeks until she’s due. The time limit is almost suffocating. How do we afford a baby? How are bills going to get paid when we have a very large expense headed our way? Cloth diapering and pumping are great ways to save, but what if I can’t physically breastfeed and we have to start buying formula? I’m not ready. Sure my pregancy belly and nightowl of baby are preparing me somewhat for the sleepless nights but what do I do if she won’t stop crying? What if something happens at birth and I can’t hold her? How can I take care of a completely dependant person when I can barely take care of myself? How do I survive newborn-hood?

Worry is a waste of time. I know this. But doubt and fear constantly run through my mind. I think about when I’m at work, when I see babies or children, when I pass another pregnant person, when I’m eating, and right before I go to bed.

I’m worried I won’t be enough and that I’m inadequate. I’m worried that my lack of knowledge and experience is going to put my child in danger. I’m scared I’ll mess up which will mess my kid up. I already have fears of my hypothyroidism that still isn’t controlled will have some sort of affect on my baby. I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world, just a challenge, but I know that I would feel responsible. When I think about my thyroid levels and how they can affect my baby after birth, I am scared. I wonder if I could do it all over, how could I get under control faster? Is there anything I could have done differently? I’m worried that if something is wrong, will Chris blame me? Will he secretly resent me because my uncontrolled levels affected the baby?

I know I have to trust God in all of this but I am so scared. I wish he would give me a glimpse into the future or a sign that says, “Don’t worry about it, Kaitlyn. It’s okay.” I thought I had been through the toughest times with my faith, I thought that was behind me. It wasn’t. I thought I fully trusted God with everything in my life. I’ve always beem the calm to Chris’ worry and in the past have always just shrugged of worries with, “I’m sure God has it under control.” or “I’m not going to worry about it because whatever God has planned will be and that’s that.”

But pregancy is different. It’s a whole new level that I wasn’t prepared to face. I feel like God trusted me with a responsibilty greater than I am and that I’ll fail. I know I don’t fully trust Him because my prayers are constantly ifs, ands, and buts. Every sentence is laced with worry. Every word is questioning Him. “Do you have it under control God? Do you realize that you’ve made me a mom? Have you looked at our finances recently? How is this going to work? What’s going to happen? Will she be healthy? Will she learn at the same pace as other children?”

Regardless of all the worry, my Mother’s Day weekend was great. It was fun and full of laughter. I hope all of you had a great Mother’s Day too and you got to spend it with those you love!

Those Crazy Sorokas - Kaitlyn Signature